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Old 03-10-2003, 07:02 PM   #1
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You all seem so lost! Flitting about from game to game, not really applying yourselves to anything in particular, writing apathetic reviews of this or that release... This is not what I’ve come to expect from ‘Ownage Inc’. What happened to the verve, the dynamism, the protocol-indifferent gusto? Frankly I’m dismayed. Are all the online games currently on the market so deeply uninspiring that you’ve lost the will to ‘pwn’ or is it that you’ve all slowly deteriorated into a bunch of middle-aged, slightly mellow, family orientated part-timers?

Where’s the actinic bombast I remember? The fastidious research and planning which would all go out the window the moment the enemy was sighted and everyone began dishing out merry hell on a democratic basis? What happened to negotiating hostile territory with extreme prejudice and a wholesale disregard for local animal life? What happened to blithely ignoring the unspoken etiquette between guilds and going where you liked when you liked regardless of whether anyone else was there already?

I remember when any one member of Da’Kor was casually playing up to five different accounts simultaneously whilst chatting on IRC, indulging in a minor flame war on the message boards and surfing animal porn sites on a laptop.

Granted, you never went out of your way to be bastards (that being the unofficial dogma of the Tarsis Shriners- anyone remember ‘Evac, Evac!!’ in Kedge? Great days...), but you at least managed to cause sparks to fly wherever you were sighted and engendered a latent dread from peers and inferiors alike; not to mention a healthy amount of penis envy from the back row.

Yet; your web page is slowly dismantling itself as more and more areas become defunct or outdated, fewer and fewer rumours reach my delicate ears about your online exploits and what is left reminds me vaguely of an old ladies’ knitting circle on a Wednesday afternoon.

This is totally unacceptable. Being unable to play online games at the moment due to various RL circumstances I rely on at least being able to see other people kicking ass in my virtual absence.

So... a solution..........

For your homework I want you to pick a random book from the Old Testament and copy out every passage relating to wrath, brimstone, vengeance, fury, righteousness and smiting. Tomorrow I’ll be wanting you to get into groups and unleash a maintained barrage of insults, epithets, threats, caveats and taunts at one another in the style of a biblical prophet of your choice. Extra points will be awarded for imaginative use of hyperbole and the seamless synthesis of contemporary street idiom and old world apocrypha. You will not be allowed the use of promt-cards, word lists, testosterone based amphetamines, pictures of David Hasslehoff or any other bile-inducing agent.

Next week I’ll be testing you on your adaptive use of ‘l33t sp34k’ under timed conditions and will also be evaluating your ability to use three computers at once.
Anyone who fails will be recommended as a probationary member of Blades of Honour or Divine Grace, depending on how badly they scored.

On a side note, hello everyone who I haven’t spoken to recently, I very much hope you are all very healthy, wealthy and sexually active. I’ve been keeping a vague note of the EQ2 development and hope to see at least a few of you bastages there when its finally released- should give me enough time to get work under control to the point where I can actually get some free time. In the interim, at least try and look formidable guys, I mean really- its embarrassing, I’ve seen Welsh people with more pinache than this!

Love always,

Isobella Turbokite xx
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